The Challenges of Being Bicultural / First Generation
Are you a child of immigrants or someone who emigrated to a different country after you were born? Were you raised by parents born in a different country from where you live, upholding standards, rituals and ideals very different from the people around you?
If you were born or grew up outside the USA, fitting in can be challenging. Subtle cultural cues are absorbed from our parents and friends as we grow up. When you spend formative years in a different country, speaking a different language, adapting to peer groups and cultural norms in the United States can be challenging.
Many of us grew up with strict parents who wouldn’t allow us to participate in peer activities, or who expected us to spend weekends with the family instead of friends. For some of us, being the first to speak English means we were expected to translate for our families and live up to their definition of success, all while upholding new social standards and making our parents proud.
Have you experienced any of the challenges below?
Feelings of not belonging: as a bicultural person, you may feel like you don’t fit in fully anywhere, or you don’t really have a place where you feel fully at home. “The last time I visited Costa Rica, I was asked where I was from,” reported C, a 22 year old woman born in Central America who has lived in the USA since she was a teen. “My Spanish accent sounds more like my Mexican friend’s instead of Costa Rican. When I am in the USA, I have just enough of a Spanish accent in English so that people ask me where I am from. I feel like I am from nowhere.”
Cultural differences: If your parents grew up outside the USA, it is likely that the home where you grew up is different from your peers’ homes. Things like food, what you are allowed to do with friends, the values you are expected to uphold and your parents’ expectations of you are different from your classmates. “The food I took to school was what we ate at home, and even though it was my favorite, I was embarrassed to take out my Mediterranean dishes when all my friends had sandwiches,” shares J. “I eventually told my mom not to send me weird food, and she agreed, but I could tell I was hurting her. It felt like I had to choose between my family and my friends.”
Social exclusion: you may feel pressure to conform, “code-switch” (adjust behavior, language, clothing) between your family of origin and your peers. As the peer group becomes more important, the pressure to conform increases, as do the feelings of isolation or of disappointing parents. “Last time I visited my parents’ country, my relatives commented on how I dress like an American now, and my parents looked uncomfortable,” shared L.”The sad thing is that in the USA, the clothes I am allowed to wear are not the fashionable clothes other kids wear.”
Discrimination: Bicultural and first generation people are often ‘‘othered’ by peers because of how they speak, dress, or look. “People assume things about you because of your culture, or have unrealistic expectations based on cultural stereotypes,” says K, adding “teachers and classmates expect us to be good at math, which adds to the pressure we already get from our parents.” For S, whose parents emigrated from India, being one of the only non-American born kids in her sixth grade class proved to be a lonely experience. “I didn’t really know any of the clothes, music or things the other girls did. I never got invited to their parties or was asked to join their group chats.”
Difficulty interacting with the US educational system: Multicultural and bilingual kids are expected to manage their studies, and complete their own paperwork, all while translating for their parents. A, a daughter of Mexican immigrants, recalls growing up as the family translator. “My parents would take me to my siblings' parent/teacher conferences, court dates and tax meetings. My classmates would be going out, and I’d be at home caring for my little siblings.” Children of immigrants, especially parents that don’t feel comfortable speaking English, often struggle in the American education system. From parent-teacher conferences, to advocating for accommodations, to navigating the college application process, first generation children and young adults are forced to advocate for themselves, often missing out on opportunities.
High expectations: Bicultural and first generation people often experience their parents’ expectation to achieve milestones like graduating from high school or college, owning a home, or having a certain kind of job or career. “The pressure to achieve goals set by parents in order to justify their sacrifice in leaving their home of origin is huge,” shares M, whose parents arrived from Eastern Europe when he was 11. “I always understood I would have to be a doctor or a lawyer, and the career choices would be limited to that.”
Mental health challenges: Many bicultural young people feel depressed or anxious, or like they are not good enough or don’t deserve what they have. Data shows children born of immigrants tend to have higher rates of mental health challenges than their parents (1), but often grapple with parents who can discredit mental health help. “My parents still don’t know that I see a therapist,” says M, whose parents are Asian. “I feel like telling them would make them ashamed of me.” For those who seek help, it is imperative that they find culturally competent therapists. “Having your therapist understand the challenges that come from being born to immigrant parents and living in the USA was really important to me,” says M.
Being bicultural / first generation is a superpower, but the road to understanding your identity and feeling comfortable in it can be long. Working with a culturally-competent therapist can help you examine the many aspects of your culture and identity, understand them, and emerge as your own unique person in the world.
Therapy with a culturally-competent clinician can help you process, understand and integrate your own story of being a bicultural, first generation person. Some of the questions you can consider include: what parts of you fit in your parents’ country, and what parts fit in the United States? How are you like your parents, and not like them? Exploring these questions can help increase your comfort in your bicultural identity, highlighting strengths and grieving losses. Your therapist can advocate for you and empower you to succeed socially, in relationships, at school and at work.