Is Substance Use Affecting My Relationship?
Are you and your partner engaging in regular substance use? Has the experience gone from being enjoyable to causing issues between you, including fights and lack of trust? You’re not alone. When one or both people in a relationship engage in regular substance use, it can be very difficult to maintain a healthy dynamic. As substance use becomes more regular within the couple, people prioritize using over relationships, withdrawing and becoming less reliable and engaged in the relationship.(1)
Have you seen any of these changes in your relationship?
Increased secrecy, deception and lying: as people progress in their addiction, feelings of shame and desire to avoid partner disapproval increases secrecy.
Loss of trust: over time, it becomes increasingly difficult to trust the partner engaging in deception to maintain substance use.
Aggressive behavior: when using regularly, individuals may become increasingly defensive, using verbal and physical aggression.
Increased risk-taking: Behaviors like unprotected sex and IV drug use puts substance users and their partners at risk.
Lack of interest in activities: the using partner withdraws from activities, choosing instead to spend time looking for drugs, using, or sleeping.
Forgetfulness: prolonged use of substances can affect the formation of memories.
Isolation: partners who use increasingly keep to themselves and isolate from loved ones
Changes in personality: Substances can affect people in different ways.
Alcohol can cause poor judgment and influence decision-making
Methamphetamine and cocaine use leads to reckless behavior, paranoia or overconfidence
Alcohol, benzodiazepines, cannabis and MDMA (ecstasy) lower inhibition, leading people to engage in risky behavior while under the influence.(1)
Alcohol, methamphetamine, cocaine, opiates and heavy cannabis use impairs the frontal lobes and can lead to increasingly impulsive decisionmaking.(2)
Mood swings and worsening of mental health symptoms:
Stimulants at high doses, cocaine, methamphetamine, lSD and PCP can trigger paranoia, increased symptoms of schizophrenia and bipolar disorder, and worsen symptoms of depression and anxiety.
Illicit stimulants could lead to restlessness, aggression, delusions or anxiety, and depression.
Opioid misuse could cause problems with attention, memory challenges, lack of awareness and coordination, or agitation.(6)
Long-Term Changes: Long-term drug use changes brain chemical systems and circuits affecting functions that include:
judgement
decision making
stress and memory (3)
Why is addiction a relapsing disease?
Substances can cause persistent changes in your personality and brain, which is why addiction is considered a relapsing disease. People in addiction recovery are at an increased risk of returning to substance use, even years after quitting.(4)
Checking in: are you or your partner engaging in these behaviors?
Enabling: when you love a person using substances, enforcing boundaries may be difficult.
Enabling occurs when the partner or parent of the person struggling with substance use provides them with a home, money or other items the person could not normally have access to, which allows them to continue using.
Enabling includes financial support, shielding from consequences or even ignoring the issue.(7)
Codependency: codependency is defined as one partner having extreme physical or emotional needs, and the other spending a vast majority of their time ensuring the person’s needs are met. The behavior is detrimental to other relationships and activities in the enabling partner’s life.(8)
How does therapy work in couples struggling with substance use?
In substance use within the couple, our therapists work to identify issues that are causing problems for the couple, and provide tools to help improve clarity, communication and to manage the relationship with the substance.
Together, you, your therapist and your partner can work to improve patterns of connection to
Eliminate enabling behaviors
Set better boundaries
Improve communication
Agree on behaviors that need to end in order for the relationship to grow
Accept help from friends, family and sponsors
Take control of your use and consider how changes may help you live the life you want
Remember, a licensed therapist will always keep information confidential, even if you have a consultation and decide you are not ready to work with them. Consultations can serve as a way for you to ask questions about what the process may look like, and whether the therapist is a good match for you and your partner.
You can contact us for a free consultation to determine whether one of us could be a good match for you. Consultations are free of charge and are confidential.
Spencer Korte, LLMSW, specializes in substance use management and sobriety. Schedule a free consultation or read more on Spencer Korte's therapist profile.
Valerie Roedenbeck Maloof, LMSW, is a Gottman-trained couples therapist on relationship issues, life transitions, and work challenges. Schedule a free consultation or read more on Valerie Maloof's therapist profile.
Both clinicians see clients in person in Ann Arbor, MI, with telehealth options available.
1,2 10 Ways Substance Addiction Can Change Your Personality
3 (Cocaine Self-Administration Increases Impulsive Decision-Making in Low-Impulsive Rats
4 Associated with Impaired Functional Connectivity in the Mesocorticolimbic System | eNeuro)
5 Understanding Drug Use and Addiction DrugFacts | National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA)
6 10 Ways Substance Addiction Can Change Your Personality